Have You Been Bitten By the Canoe Racing Bug?
Canoe Racing Pox
VERY CONTAGIOUS! Particularly to adult males. May be spread by contact, sound, vision, mail, telephone, and rivers or lakes.
SYMPTOMS: Continual complaints of need of fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Disrupts sleep, especially on weekends. Mumbles to self in sleep and hollers “HUP!” Patient has pained expression, sometimes deaf to wife and kids. Has no taste for work that is not connected with canoe racing, especially carpentry. Is apt to consume great quantities of dill pickles – usually after a race. Has a great desire for liquids, which river or lake water will satisfy – unless deep enough in woods, then may demand malts or iced tea.
Continually checks canoe catalogs, race schedules, and racing times. Must be dragged away from finish lines and other places where canoe racers are congregated. Breaks out in a rash of excuses and alibis when canoeing with wife is suggested.
PROGNOSIS GRAVE! NO KNOWN CURE!
TREATMENT: Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal unless shot by wife. Marathon is a temporary cure; relapse is probable (at least by banquet). Patient should race as often as possible.
Bank Runners and Sufferers Welcome!
A bit of satire, Courtesy of Michigan Canoe Racing Association, circa 1970s